One person, addressing either six chairs, or the audience. We will call this person the lifeguard. The gender is not important, but the person should appear strong and capable. There might be a CPR dummy off to the side.
THE LIFEGUARD
It’s the buddy system, that’s what we use. So you choose a buddy. The person next to you. Anybody, it doesn’t matter. And we’ll switch off, so everybody gets to drown and everybody gets to save somebody.
Questions? Yes? I have heard of that—a world conference on drowning prevention. That focuses on both practical and theoretical aspects. Here, we will be focusing on the practical aspects.
You’ve heard of muscle memory? Good. All of you, in your muscles, in your deep, deep, tissue, I want you to remember. Someone who drowned. This will be useful. As useful as a flotation device or the cross-chest carry.
Another question? No. It is not like in the movies. Hands don’t flail around wildly. To rescue people who are drowning, you must be able to recognize them. What do they look like?
Yes. They look like us. Like us trying to climb a ladder underwater. Facing the shore, head tilted back, mouth at water level. I mentioned a flotation device. To a drowning person, another person resembles a flotation device. That is why you want to have an actual flotation device.
Additional questions? Yes, soccer balls float. (beat) A football, exactly. (beat) Hockey puck, no. BB gun, no. No.
Now, when we practice lifesaving techniques in the pool, we get to choose who is drowning and who is saving. When we get in the boat . . .
Lifeguard hesitates, nods, as if to a question.
We talked about that, we are getting in a boat. The dogs? No? The dogs cannot come with us. No, not the cats. The passports, yes, we will be bringing the passports with us.
Question? Yes, a dog could be classified as a flotation device, yes, but, how do I say this? Unfortunately there will not be room in the boat for flotation devices.
Not fair. I agree.
I read about that—making waterproof bags from dinghies and life vests. So we would have something to carry our winter clothes in. Winter goes with us. Not the clothes.
A Greek chorus? Absolutely, there will be one. Perhaps more.
We hear a singing from offstage:
CHORUS
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily . . .
LIFEGUARD
After all, it is a Greek island we are going to.
More singing from offstage:
CHORUS
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily . . .
Then the sounds of dogs barking.
LIFEGUARD
You, is that a baby? And a dog? Bring the baby. The dog…is that a dachshund? It is the same size as the baby, smaller even. I am so sorry—no dogs, no cats. No cactuses—nothing that could spring a leak.
More barking. The chorus sings or chants:
CHORUS
I carry everything my people lost.
LIFEGUARD
If you do not have a flotation device, you will want to approach the drowning victim from behind.
I agree, I do not like the word victim. We could have a long discussion about that, but I am sorry, we do not have time for discussions, or more questions. We are getting into the boat, which is…well, getting into the boat is like musical chairs. But without the music. And without the chairs. With one boat.
Yes? The brick, yes. In a standard water safety instruction class, there’s an exercise—one dives down and picks the brick up from the bottom of a pool. The brick and the pool—they are luxuries.
What? Of course, I have read that story. Lucky Noah, with advance notice, with a sturdy, impressive ark. Lucky Noah, with two dachshunds to ensure more dachshunds. Many, many centuries of dachsunds.
What we have, what each of you has, is your buddy.
The chorus sings or chants:
CHORUS
I carry everything my people lost.
LIFEGUARD
No, I am not going. Let’s just say that I was climbing a ladder…but there was no ladder.
I have always loved ladders. Step ladders, extension ladders, telescoping ladders…multipurpose ladders. I love how they go up. And down. And sideways. My favorite ladder is in Central Park, in New York City. It’s a red ladder at an ice ladder rescue station, near the pond. In the winter, when there’s ice, if someone falls in, you can slide the ladder across the ice and reach that person. Anyone who has fallen in, you don’t need special skills, you don’t have to know the person, you can help them.
The lifeguard seems to be remembering something, lost in thought.
In any event, this boat is going across an ocean. There’s no ice, and when…if…you
see someone going under, someone who has gone under, you will want to rush in. I am sure you will. That will be your impulse. But first, you must do this: You must call
out. Help! (beat) Help! Because many heroes are superior to one.
Hope, help, it’s what we cry in a sea on fire.
Blue light fades to black, as if we are going underwater.
